For the past weeks or so I have been getting some vivid dreams about my ex. The first guy who I fell in love with. The first guy that broke my heart. Basically, the first of everything.

Actually, this wasn’t the first time that I dreamt of him. I’ve had several dreams in the past where he was the main subject or was just an “extra”, kind of like a movie setting. But I think most of it involves him and I getting real close with each other. Some dreams would involve me with my current boyfriend while my ex asks me to get back with him. They’re all too vivid that I can even describe every detail when I wake up in the morning. Sadly, at that point, when I wake up, I always end up feeling upset or even depress. I’m not sure why and I really want to know what to do with it.

Before I even go on, I just want to clarify that I am well-over my ex. I believe that I’ve already moved on and that I’m very much happy and content with my current boyfriend now. But (there’s always a but), I do miss, sometimes, that connection I had with my first boyfriend. That special chemistry we both had considering the fact that we were each others’ first “love”. Although it was a harsh break-up, I am over it now and am actually glad that I’ve gone through it all. If it wasn’t for him breaking up with me, I would not have met the wonderful and patient guy that I’ve spent almost 5-years with. I’m rather grateful of my ex for giving me the opportunity to find who would really love me despite all of my flaws (physically and mentally) and “drama” in life.

Now, these dreams…these crazy detailed dreams that I’ve been having with him. With that guy who I spent only a little over a year. Why does he keeps appearing in my “subconcious mind”? Even when I never thought about him, not even a small glimpse of him in my mind. Why would he still comes up in my dreams? In some of my dreams with him, he’s proposing to me–telling me that he’d treat me better than before if I get back with him. Telling me that I would be happier with him. Telling me that he regret all the things he said and for letting me go. Seriously? What the hell!?!

First off, I know dreams are just dreams. Some may come true, but most do not. Apparently these dreams that I am having with him in it, I know for sure they won’t come true (I’m hoping they won’t). I mean, my ex asking me to get back with him and that I’ll be happier? Are you kidding? No way! Okay, I admit, I might still have some really tiny animosity towards him for not being specific with the reason of that break-up we had over 5 years ago. I know, it’s been that long. But like I mentioned earlier. I am over him. But that doesn’t mean I am over with it. Note: I said “it”. Not sure what really is “it” that I’m not fully over with. Perhaps, the reason why I keep dreaming about him. My subconcious mind probably wants to tackle what that “it” is and finally move on from it.

Aside from having dreams where my ex asks me to get back together, I’ve had other dreams where we are just good friends as if nothing happened between the two of us. In reality though, I know we are NOT friends. I, personally don’t feel comfortable being friends with him. Even though I remember begging him in the past to remain “best of friends” with each other in spite of what happened. But now, I honestly think that I do not want to be friends with him. Not that I don’t like him as a person. Truthfully, I think he’s a really good person (inside and outside). I just feel like being an “Ex” means that he’s no longer part of my life…that he’d already “EXited” from it all. Isn’t that’s what “ex” stands for?

Then there’s this really weird ones, where in one part we would be “all over” each other. Another part we looked really happy, almost like a couple. And other part, he would act like there’s nothing between us, almost like he never knew me. Just like the other night. I had a dream where in the beginning we were really happy as if nothing was ever wrong. I think I even thought we were back with each other or the other way around. Then in the middle part, I’m with my current boyfriend, then my ex just completely became one of my best buds. At the ending part, I asked my ex if we could talk about what happened between us. The last part didn’t finish. Right when I’m about to wake up, from what I can recall in my dream, he was lying down on a field and I was approaching him, almost like planning to confront him, to ask him why the hell he broke up with me and then asking him how he is doing now. If he was happy now and if he was glad that he did what he did in the past.

When I wake up from all these dreams with him, I often feel so confused and dismayed. I was confused with why my ex kept appearing in my dreams. Why would he pop-out of nowhere in it and then it would suddenly ruin my morning? Because when I wake up after having dreams about him, I’d feel so disappointed to the point where I almost always want to call this guy and and ask him if he’s having the same thing and if he does…I’d like him to keep it to himself and stop jumping into other people’s dreams. Yeah, I know. Crazy idea. But I would really love it if he stops running into my dreams. Yeah sure, sometimes they’re great. But mostly, they are not.

I honestly don’t feel like he deserves to be in any of my dreams. He’s not worth my time, not even my subconcious time. He’s wonderful, yeah, as a person, but he’s not all that are there for me to have in my dreams. I don’t see the reason why he keeps popping out of my dreams? According to my research (yup, google research), it might be something about having a closure. Something is telling me I need to talk to him and close that chapter in my life. So yeah, I guess this whole time, I knew what was missing. I guess I knew that all I need is to close that last page of whatever storybook I had with him. It’s that last flimsy paper that keeps flapping its corner, anxiously waiting for me to seal it with a hard cover. First, I have to find a way to get in touch with him and slowly work my way to having  a conversation with him. Then, see what’s really left to talk about so that I would be completely over him…I mean, over “it”.