Stubborn dreams…Frustrated mind

For the past weeks or so I have been getting some vivid dreams about my ex. The first guy who I fell in love with. The first guy that broke my heart. Basically, the first of everything.

Actually, this wasn’t the first time that I dreamt of him. I’ve had several dreams in the past where he was the main subject or was just an “extra”, kind of like a movie setting. But I think most of it involves him and I getting real close with each other. Some dreams would involve me with my current boyfriend while my ex asks me to get back with him. They’re all too vivid that I can even describe every detail when I wake up in the morning. Sadly, at that point, when I wake up, I always end up feeling upset or even depress. I’m not sure why and I really want to know what to do with it.

Before I even go on, I just want to clarify that I am well-over my ex. I believe that I’ve already moved on and that I’m very much happy and content with my current boyfriend now. But (there’s always a but), I do miss, sometimes, that connection I had with my first boyfriend. That special chemistry we both had considering the fact that we were each others’ first “love”. Although it was a harsh break-up, I am over it now and am actually glad that I’ve gone through it all. If it wasn’t for him breaking up with me, I would not have met the wonderful and patient guy that I’ve spent almost 5-years with. I’m rather grateful of my ex for giving me the opportunity to find who would really love me despite all of my flaws (physically and mentally) and “drama” in life.

Now, these dreams…these crazy detailed dreams that I’ve been having with him. With that guy who I spent only a little over a year. Why does he keeps appearing in my “subconcious mind”? Even when I never thought about him, not even a small glimpse of him in my mind. Why would he still comes up in my dreams? In some of my dreams with him, he’s proposing to me–telling me that he’d treat me better than before if I get back with him. Telling me that I would be happier with him. Telling me that he regret all the things he said and for letting me go. Seriously? What the hell!?!

First off, I know dreams are just dreams. Some may come true, but most do not. Apparently these dreams that I am having with him in it, I know for sure they won’t come true (I’m hoping they won’t). I mean, my ex asking me to get back with him and that I’ll be happier? Are you kidding? No way! Okay, I admit, I might still have some really tiny animosity towards him for not being specific with the reason of that break-up we had over 5 years ago. I know, it’s been that long. But like I mentioned earlier. I am over him. But that doesn’t mean I am over with it. Note: I said “it”. Not sure what really is “it” that I’m not fully over with. Perhaps, the reason why I keep dreaming about him. My subconcious mind probably wants to tackle what that “it” is and finally move on from it.

Aside from having dreams where my ex asks me to get back together, I’ve had other dreams where we are just good friends as if nothing happened between the two of us. In reality though, I know we are NOT friends. I, personally don’t feel comfortable being friends with him. Even though I remember begging him in the past to remain “best of friends” with each other in spite of what happened. But now, I honestly think that I do not want to be friends with him. Not that I don’t like him as a person. Truthfully, I think he’s a really good person (inside and outside). I just feel like being an “Ex” means that he’s no longer part of my life…that he’d already “EXited” from it all. Isn’t that’s what “ex” stands for?

Then there’s this really weird ones, where in one part we would be “all over” each other. Another part we looked really happy, almost like a couple. And other part, he would act like there’s nothing between us, almost like he never knew me. Just like the other night. I had a dream where in the beginning we were really happy as if nothing was ever wrong. I think I even thought we were back with each other or the other way around. Then in the middle part, I’m with my current boyfriend, then my ex just completely became one of my best buds. At the ending part, I asked my ex if we could talk about what happened between us. The last part didn’t finish. Right when I’m about to wake up, from what I can recall in my dream, he was lying down on a field and I was approaching him, almost like planning to confront him, to ask him why the hell he broke up with me and then asking him how he is doing now. If he was happy now and if he was glad that he did what he did in the past.

When I wake up from all these dreams with him, I often feel so confused and dismayed. I was confused with why my ex kept appearing in my dreams. Why would he pop-out of nowhere in it and then it would suddenly ruin my morning? Because when I wake up after having dreams about him, I’d feel so disappointed to the point where I almost always want to call this guy and and ask him if he’s having the same thing and if he does…I’d like him to keep it to himself and stop jumping into other people’s dreams. Yeah, I know. Crazy idea. But I would really love it if he stops running into my dreams. Yeah sure, sometimes they’re great. But mostly, they are not.

I honestly don’t feel like he deserves to be in any of my dreams. He’s not worth my time, not even my subconcious time. He’s wonderful, yeah, as a person, but he’s not all that are there for me to have in my dreams. I don’t see the reason why he keeps popping out of my dreams? According to my research (yup, google research), it might be something about having a closure. Something is telling me I need to talk to him and close that chapter in my life. So yeah, I guess this whole time, I knew what was missing. I guess I knew that all I need is to close that last page of whatever storybook I had with him. It’s that last flimsy paper that keeps flapping its corner, anxiously waiting for me to seal it with a hard cover. First, I have to find a way to get in touch with him and slowly work my way to having  a conversation with him. Then, see what’s really left to talk about so that I would be completely over him…I mean, over “it”.

Lovely

See the world in 8 hours

This past couple of days I’ve been doing a lot of research and planning about a trip somewhere in Asia and some other continents. Originally, I just wanted to take a short trip to the mainland (San Diego, to be specific) to visit families. But after looking at a world map (of course, on google), I recently realized that Hawaii is the most remote islands on the map…basically….I can go anywhere and it won’t make much of a difference whether I go to another US state or I go to another country. As long as I’m able to last in a long distance flight (and has a LOT of money), I should be able to go anywhere without worrying too much about the difference in distances and stuff. Suddenly though, after realizing how far I’m at from the rest of world, the feeling of isolation began to overwhelm me. Good thing I work on weekends. Now, I could see the world in eight hours or so….with that I mean, through the internet. Man, how I love my job!….cchyeah. right.

I seriously need to get out of this misery. Anybody? Help? Oh god, who am I kidding. I NEED TO find a way to get out of here. Pronto!

 

Feeling Unaccomplished

Lately I’ve been wondering what really the future holds for me. I feel like I haven’t gotten very far since graduating college last year. Supposedly, I’m a manager of some hotel by now. Supposedly, I’m able to pay back my parents for all their “work” for raising me. Supposedly, I’m on a process of buying my very first home. Sadly, none of these “supposed” events have ever happened yet. I feel so unaccomplished.

Ten years ago, I remember being asked the question “How do you see yourself ten years from now?” I was, of course, a very young, inexperience, naive little teenager then. So from what I recall, I answered “A hotel manager or at least a manager of a department in a big hotel. Probably engaged to some guy. On a process to buying a house with 5 or 6 bedrooms so my parents can live with me so that I can take care of them.” My answer may not sound too practical now, but they seemed easy to achieve ten years ago…especially for someone like me who believed that education was the way to get them all easily. Hence, I stayed in school. Studied hard to maintain a GPA of 3.5 or higher while working part-time and participating in several extra curricular activities. Graduated with honors. Went to college. Obtained a degree in management that (supposedly) could make me become some kind of a company leader. Get pay more than enough to help me buy a house. Then assist my parents with debts payment. Everything till obtaining a degree happened. But the ending (most vital) part still seems out of sight. I feel so unaccomplished.

Theses days I work a full-time and a part-time job…and sometimes I take on small “by the table” type of work just so I can pay all my personal bills that sum up to about $850 (and still be able to eat normal people’s food). I know a monthly payment of $850 don’t sound too much. But as a 20-something, recent college graduate who doesn’t live with parents, paying almost 1K a month is almost impossible. Trust me. I’ve had insufficient bank accounts almost every other week. Missed or unpaid bills for over a month or so. And last but certainly not the least, I almost got evicted from my old apartment for not paying rent on time. All these events makes me feel very unaccomplished.

All I can really think of now is how do I see myself in ten years? Am I still going to be working this much hours and still barely make ends meet? Am I still eating ramen noodles every other day? Will I be married (or at least engaged) by then? Will my parents still be alive so I can repay them for all their hard work and patience with me? One simple question, but yet, it carries out a thousand of follow-up questions as answers. Oh yeah, with all that in mind, it makes me feel unaccomplished.

I’m 23 years old. Turning 24 in a couple of months. Lives in a small apartment (literally, like a walk-in closet). Owes about 14K in student loans and 4K in credit cards. Has an unpaid balance of $1500 since last two summer school (that’s why my school hasn’t granted my request for a copy of my diploma). Work two jobs that pay a couple of dollars more than the minimum wage. Has not seen my family (parents and siblings) for a very long time because of the super expensive air fare just to get to the other island. Apparently, I am so sick of being home sick. I got no one to talk to (aside from my boyfriend who I only see for a couple of hours before he falls asleep and a small dog who NEVER made noise–at all) about all of these things going on in my life. Not only that I often feel ignored and alone, haven’t I mentioned it yet?…I feel very much unaccomplished.

Lovely

People are such hyprocrites

Tags

church, religion, religious belief, sinful lifestyle

and by that I mean, EVERYONE. Yes, including myself. I admit it (only on certain occasion). Oh, just FYI, this is not a full-on rant about religious belief or whatnot. (I could be lying). But this one would probably be more towards those who act like they have strong beliefs in Jesus, the bible, and God. But in reality, all that they are– are those who actually have never gone to church in the past year or so and only do things according to what they’re told by their church-goer-god-fearing parents/elders. Then they go on with their sinful lifestyle after “repenting” through lent and easter..and yes, this is mainly about the recent “holy” event that’s going on right now (literally, in my neighbor’s church).

A “Holy Season”: Lent

As we all know, majority of the people who reside on this planet Earth are “Christians” (others are self-proclaimed as I’ve heard). And this past month or so, a lot of them “Christians” went through, what they call, “lent”. Based from the people who I know who undergo such thing, it’s when they don’t eat meat on Fridays for 40 days. Also, according to what I’ve read in some articles, meat should not be consumed on “Ash Wednesday”… I’m assuming they’re not supposed to eat meat every Friday AND that one Wednesday throughout the 40 days of lent.

So, why is lent being done? I understand this belief was learned from some biblical teachings…but did all those people really learn this so-called “teachings” from the bible? Is the bible really that accurate and commanded people to not eat meat during lent? I don’t think so. I mean, I bet out of 10 people who participate in lent, only 2 or 3 of them are really well-aware of the actual “teachings” and the (almost) true meaning of it (although this topic is still being questioned to this day).

I, myself, do not condone to such belief/teaching. Yes, I’m a Christian and not just some self-proclaimed, wanna-be Christian. However, there’s no need for me to say details about my Christianity beliefs, just know that I’m neither a Jehovah nor a Mormon (to avoid some creeps who kept bugging me to join their “fellowship”). In my opinion, a lot of these “Christians” who follow teachings concerning lent are just fooling themselves. I mean, sure the churches want us to celebrate Jesus’s resurrection. But, is it specifically stated in the bible the date and the things that people are supposed to do in order to commemorate this event? So what if people could not afford to buy other type of food aside from meat and then decided to eat that on Fridays during lent season? Are they going to die and sent to hell as a punishment for being poor? I know some vegetables are cheaper than meat, but I’m just saying, what if? Have they (the religious scholars) found out someone who went to hell from eating meat on lenten season? I’d like to know so I can gather up some veggies for next year’s lent.

Easter Sunday: Colored Eggs, Bunnies, and Marshmallow Ducklings

What’s with this colorful eggs and bunnies on Sunday after lent? Even those baby ducks coated with sugar? Who the hell came up with this idea to associate rabbit, eggs, and ducks on (supposedly) a “holy season”? Did the apostles bring eggs and rabbits with them when Jesus came back to life? I don’t even think the colorful eggs stuff existed then. There’s all these parents out there today, dress their kids in pastel colored attire, and then bring them to some egg hunt event. What’s with that? How is it connected to Jesus’s resurrection? I understand it’s a tradition by many. But what about those churches and religious group that have big gatherings that include eggs, bunnies, and ducklings as part of the festivities? How do they relate a “holy season” with bunnies and eggs? (…last time I checked, bunnies do not come from eggs. And I don’t see anything “holy” about them.) So what’s really behind this Sunday fest with kids grabbing eggs and putting them in baskets? Is it just me who don’t get this crap?

…and supposedly, this entry is not a full-on rant about some religious beliefs. Oh well.

I still have much love and Aloha for everyone.

Lovely

My bubble has finally burst

The moment I’ve been dreading for years has finally come…when my brain bubbles have decided to unleash its every little fancies and wonders to this amazing world we call, the ‘Internet’. Well, honestly I’m not too sure what it (my random babbling) is about to create. But last night while I venture off to sleep, I came up with an idea of simply promoting anything and everything that I (could) find interesting…from waking up everyday in a little apartment to wandering around Waikiki strip when given the chance. I know, sounds lame and it would probably be boring. But hey, this is not made for entertainment. I mean, I could careless if anyone actually read my blog. (Okay fine. I lied). And who knows, maybe one day I can be like dooce.com (yeah, right…)

Seriously, how does anyone just randomly decide to start typing his/her thoughts on the computer? I even tried to google “how to start a blog” and none of the ones I found were very helpful to me. Majority of the answers were basically telling me to sign up for a blog site, then Bam!..it then prompt you to start typing some…words. I mean, okay, as I mentioned in my “introductory lines” above, I would finally write about every little fancies and wonders I have in mind. But my problem right now is how do I begin splattering out my tiny bubbles? Physically, I would use a hammer and start banging the wall of my neighbor just to show people what I’ve been wanting to do for the past year living in this tiny apartment. Sadly, that is not a valid (or say, legal) option.

I guess when I googled, I was searching for something specific, like, I don’t know, maybe an actual topic to write about. (Because this young lady cannot write s**t. Not once she got an “A” in English because her writing was no “smart” or “well-written”. -probably what my dad would say). Uh, hello Fa’dear, I was born and raised speaking Tagalog…until you decided to petition your family to come to “America” in’99. So, don’t expect me to have a “perfect” writing in English . I’m still learning, ya’ know!

(Okay, enough bashing on me….gosh)

So moving on. Any idea of what or how a person should begin with in a blog? Perhaps, introduce his/herself to people who maybe reading the site…or to a stalker? Tell the world wide web what a loser he/she is…that the only friend he/she has is a laptop? OR Whine about why he/she is such a failure…that nothing good has ever happened to his/her whole lifetime as of today? Hmmm, now that I thought about it. I think I got a pretty good idea what I’ll write about.

Firstly, no, I’m not going to fully introduce myself in one post. But, I did just write more than 400 words in total since I started this (like 30 minutes ago).

Secondly, I am NOT a loner (I think). And I’m not even that close to my laptop. That means, I have at least one or two friends. So, yes, I won’t be talking about myself and how “lonely” I am. Just FYI, I’m a pretty-happy-go-lucky kinda’ person. What I don’t understand is why did I even think that I could not write anything from the get-go. That’s obviously wrong.

Lastly, thank you Internet. I know you’ve been out for a while…like, way before Selena Gomez was born. But seriously, in my 20-something years of living, I just recently discovered this amazing way of expressing my thoughts “electronically” rather than manually writing them down on a paper. My fingers are well-worn from that (not that typing can also cause mild-arthritis). About time to explore other wonders. So, thank you, Internet. Thank you! (=

Much love and Aloha,
Lovely

p.s.
There are a few good things that already happened in my lifetime. So, no, I’m not gonna whine about my failures.